Maybe

I'm not really sure how I feel.

I don't know exactly what I feel about you.  I've never been too sure about my own feelings, and things between us are still so new, so complicated.  I don't trust myself at all, so I don't want to believe something one way or another until I know for certain.  I mentioned as much, and I don't think it was what you wanted to hear... The maybe still stands.

But... I saw him posting love songs, dedicating it to a special someone.  There was the nuzzles picture, and then changing your names....

I started to panic.

It makes me uncomfortable, seeing his affection. It makes me jealous.  I have no real claim over you, but every little thing pulls at something in my heart.  I know he loves you, and you loved him, but you ended things with him because of me. I know those feelings still remain, but I'm scared.

I don't know how I feel about you yet, but you've told me how you feel about me. I'm afraid that might be changing.... And maybe I'm just selfish, maybe I'm just jealous, but I don't want it to.  I'm sorry I'm not the most mushy, I'm sorry I'm not the most romantic or comforting or able to find corny 90's love songs to send you.  I'm just me, and that's not really saying much. I'm sorry I can't be better.  I don't know what else I can do, but I don't want to lose you.

I'm sorry for all of this... I feel like a horrible friend, inadequate, not worthy of your affections.  All I do is get jealous. I still can only confidently say "maybe," but why would such little things scare me so much if I am only a "maybe"?  Maybe it's more than that.  Maybe I'm just too scared to see it.  Maybe I'm just too scared to admit it.  Maybe I should start thinking of that possibility... Maybe I should just open myself up to it.

Maybe I do really love you......








Maybe I'm just a selfish, jealous, asshole.