I'm not really sure what to say here.
I had things that I wanted to say, stuff I wanted to talk about, but as I sit down to write this post... I've forgotten.
Where are my analogies, my slightly poetic phrasing, my repetition and alliteration and rhyme?
Where are the updates in my life, significant events, fun trips, friends and relationships?
I know they're there... just slightly out of reach right now.
I'll be back once I can get my thoughts in order...
....I do know that there was good news around here somewhere....
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Hypnophobia
I'm noticing it's becoming more than me just being unable to go to sleep... I'm actually afraid to go to sleep.
I'm afraid to go to sleep, because I fear that I won't be able to wake up when I need to in the morning.
and it's a legitimate fear, like terror, not just a worry or a concern.
Part of it might just be that I'm staying up too late. Part of that might be because my room is such a mess that I have to clear a bunch of stuff off of my bed before I can go to sleep, so I delay because I don't want to do that. Then, I stay up later and later until I find that I'd have to wake up in a couple hours anyway, so there's no point in going to bed at all. Because if I do go to sleep, like I so desperately want to, I won't be able to wake back up in time for class.
And I don't mean that like, oh, I'll be 15 minutes late for a class, or I'll miss my first class, maybe two. No, I mean that if I don't wake up, I'm likely to not get out of bed until late afternoon or evening, missing all classes and everything I planned to do that day, only to be awake the next night because it still feels like morning.
Tonight (it's 5 am as I'm writing this) is the first time I've felt this genuine fear about going to sleep... I have an 8 am class, and I'm terrified to go to sleep, even though I'm so incredibly tired, because I know that if I do, I'll miss that class, possibly the next one, and possibly wont wake up until it's dark again... That's what I've done the past two weekends, and a few week days. I'm sick of it. I just want to sleep like a normal person. I'm terrified to go to sleep now, beyond just not wanting to, beyond finding it difficult. I'm scared. I don't know why this is happening, and I don't know how I can fix it...
It's possible that there's some medical reasoning, like that delayed sleep schedule or whatever it was called, and I should go see a doctor or even a councilor about it, but I'm fairly certain I know what they'll say. Make sure you keep to a regular sleep schedule. Go to bed at the same time every night, and wake up at the same time every morning. Shift it earlier by 15 minutes each day and stay there until you're used to it. Take melatonin to help you fall asleep. I should go see them, but as I've said before, I have little trouble falling asleep once I go to bed. It's the part where I actually get into bed is the problem. The solution is simple: self-discipline. Which is something I simply don't have. Of course it doesn't help that I'm online a lot and stuff happens late into the night, or that my sweetheart doesn't get home until three in the morning when I can talk to her... I know I need to make myself go to bed earlier, but I just don't see how that is possible...
and so, as I stay up later and later, I find myself afraid to enter sleep, because I'm more afraid I won't be able to leave...
and as terrifying as that is, I almost find myself longing for it...
I'm afraid to go to sleep, because I fear that I won't be able to wake up when I need to in the morning.
and it's a legitimate fear, like terror, not just a worry or a concern.
Part of it might just be that I'm staying up too late. Part of that might be because my room is such a mess that I have to clear a bunch of stuff off of my bed before I can go to sleep, so I delay because I don't want to do that. Then, I stay up later and later until I find that I'd have to wake up in a couple hours anyway, so there's no point in going to bed at all. Because if I do go to sleep, like I so desperately want to, I won't be able to wake back up in time for class.
And I don't mean that like, oh, I'll be 15 minutes late for a class, or I'll miss my first class, maybe two. No, I mean that if I don't wake up, I'm likely to not get out of bed until late afternoon or evening, missing all classes and everything I planned to do that day, only to be awake the next night because it still feels like morning.
Tonight (it's 5 am as I'm writing this) is the first time I've felt this genuine fear about going to sleep... I have an 8 am class, and I'm terrified to go to sleep, even though I'm so incredibly tired, because I know that if I do, I'll miss that class, possibly the next one, and possibly wont wake up until it's dark again... That's what I've done the past two weekends, and a few week days. I'm sick of it. I just want to sleep like a normal person. I'm terrified to go to sleep now, beyond just not wanting to, beyond finding it difficult. I'm scared. I don't know why this is happening, and I don't know how I can fix it...
It's possible that there's some medical reasoning, like that delayed sleep schedule or whatever it was called, and I should go see a doctor or even a councilor about it, but I'm fairly certain I know what they'll say. Make sure you keep to a regular sleep schedule. Go to bed at the same time every night, and wake up at the same time every morning. Shift it earlier by 15 minutes each day and stay there until you're used to it. Take melatonin to help you fall asleep. I should go see them, but as I've said before, I have little trouble falling asleep once I go to bed. It's the part where I actually get into bed is the problem. The solution is simple: self-discipline. Which is something I simply don't have. Of course it doesn't help that I'm online a lot and stuff happens late into the night, or that my sweetheart doesn't get home until three in the morning when I can talk to her... I know I need to make myself go to bed earlier, but I just don't see how that is possible...
and so, as I stay up later and later, I find myself afraid to enter sleep, because I'm more afraid I won't be able to leave...
and as terrifying as that is, I almost find myself longing for it...
Friday, February 21, 2014
Where are you?
I don't know how you feel anymore...
You used to be so confident in your feelings. You said that you would wait as long as you had to, that I was worth the wait. I'm sorry that I wasn't more confident in mine.
But now the wait is over.... and you're not here.
You said you were happy with just a maybe, that it was enough to give you hope. Then the maybe wasn't quite enough... When the maybe changed to a yes, you were happy. Then the yes wasn't enough... Even the definite yes I'm feeling now, I still can't find you. You aren't here waiting for me.
Even though every waking moment I'm thinking about you, I don't know where your thoughts lie. I know I'm not the best at showing it, and maybe that's why, that you can't see how I feel. I send you what mush I can, I try to cheer you up if you're sad, I live to make you smile. I'm sorry if I'm failing... I'm sorry I'm not some storybook hero.
I'm sorry about my doubts. I don't like the idea of online relationships, but that doesn't change my feelings, I can't stop liking you the way I do just because you aren't right here. All we seem to have is longing though...
I'm sorry that I get jealous, I get touchy if you don't talk to me all the time. I know I don't control you, but when you talk to him and not me, I get hurt... I want to talk to you. I don't talk to you nearly enough. To hear your voice, to see your smile and hear your laugh, to make you blush... I wish it could happen more often. I wish it never had to stop.
I have a letter to you in the mail. I wish it would get to you faster, yet at the same time I'm terrified. It contains my feelings from when I wrote it, over a week ago. I hope it can properly convey how I'm feeling, more than I can tell you directly. I'm terrified that it won't. I'm scared that it may say what you needed to hear over a week ago, when I wrote it, but not now. I'm afraid that now it will say the wrong thing, or in the wrong way, and you won't take from it what I hope you will...
I used to have doubt of myself... I doubted my feelings, but you didn't doubt yours at all. It seems like that's now reversed. I don't doubt the way I feel, no maybes, no fears, no doubt... but you doubt yourself... you drift away, and when I say yes, when the wait is over... you're not here.
Where are you?
I hope I haven't lost you....
maybe... maybe I need to talk to him...
You used to be so confident in your feelings. You said that you would wait as long as you had to, that I was worth the wait. I'm sorry that I wasn't more confident in mine.
But now the wait is over.... and you're not here.
You said you were happy with just a maybe, that it was enough to give you hope. Then the maybe wasn't quite enough... When the maybe changed to a yes, you were happy. Then the yes wasn't enough... Even the definite yes I'm feeling now, I still can't find you. You aren't here waiting for me.
Even though every waking moment I'm thinking about you, I don't know where your thoughts lie. I know I'm not the best at showing it, and maybe that's why, that you can't see how I feel. I send you what mush I can, I try to cheer you up if you're sad, I live to make you smile. I'm sorry if I'm failing... I'm sorry I'm not some storybook hero.
I'm sorry about my doubts. I don't like the idea of online relationships, but that doesn't change my feelings, I can't stop liking you the way I do just because you aren't right here. All we seem to have is longing though...
I'm sorry that I get jealous, I get touchy if you don't talk to me all the time. I know I don't control you, but when you talk to him and not me, I get hurt... I want to talk to you. I don't talk to you nearly enough. To hear your voice, to see your smile and hear your laugh, to make you blush... I wish it could happen more often. I wish it never had to stop.
I have a letter to you in the mail. I wish it would get to you faster, yet at the same time I'm terrified. It contains my feelings from when I wrote it, over a week ago. I hope it can properly convey how I'm feeling, more than I can tell you directly. I'm terrified that it won't. I'm scared that it may say what you needed to hear over a week ago, when I wrote it, but not now. I'm afraid that now it will say the wrong thing, or in the wrong way, and you won't take from it what I hope you will...
I used to have doubt of myself... I doubted my feelings, but you didn't doubt yours at all. It seems like that's now reversed. I don't doubt the way I feel, no maybes, no fears, no doubt... but you doubt yourself... you drift away, and when I say yes, when the wait is over... you're not here.
Where are you?
I hope I haven't lost you....
maybe... maybe I need to talk to him...
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Sleep
I am having trouble sleeping.
I guess more specifically, I am having trouble sleeping properly.
I guess more specifically, I am having trouble sleeping properly.
The past few days have really messed with my sleep schedule. This has happened before, but it still is worth noting. I stay up much later than I should, usually until 2 or 3 am, but recently until 5, or 7, or even 9 am. Then I sleep in, missing everything I was supposed to do that day. This isn't so bad on weekends, but when it starts hurting classes it becomes a serious problem.
I don't know if it's a medical thing, a chemical imbalance in my brain or whatever, or if it's just bad habits that I have. I stay up later and later, browsing the internet or chatting with people or playing games or watching videos, knowing I should be going to bed, but it's always "just one more..." Then when I finally do go to sleep, I have to wake up in three or four hours. Sometimes I can't even do that. I set multiple alarms, and early, hoping that I'll be able to drag myself out of bed before I'm late. It doesn't work. Even though I have a music alarm, a buzzer alarm, three or four or more alarms set on my phone, and an alarm on my iPod, I sleep through them. I don't know if I automatically hit snooze and don't realize it, or if I hit snooze and do realize it, but just go right back to sleep, or if I just simply never wake up and let the alarms play.... but I don't get up. Several times recently I have woken up to my flatmate pounding on my door. I don't know what I can do to make myself wake up in the morning....
I don't know what I can do to make myself go to bed, either.
As I said, it's not so much that I can't fall asleep. Sometimes this is the case, but it's not that I lay in bed for hours, staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep. It's more that I am unable to make myself go to bed at a reasonable hour. Even now, I'm writing this at 2:30 in the morning. I could have had the busiest day, and have gotten very little sleep the night before, but I very rarely am so tired that I can't stay up just a little bit more... and more... and more. When it gets late, I'll tell myself I'll go to bed at the end of this video. Then I'll start another. The cycle continues. Or I'll be playing a game and not want to stop, or talking to someone and unable to say good night... although that last one isn't so bad. It's not that I can't fall asleep. It's that I won't go to sleep. I know all it really needs is some self discipline, but I don't exactly have that... and I'm not sure what to do.
Sigh... I'm so tired....
so tired...
I don't know if it's a medical thing, a chemical imbalance in my brain or whatever, or if it's just bad habits that I have. I stay up later and later, browsing the internet or chatting with people or playing games or watching videos, knowing I should be going to bed, but it's always "just one more..." Then when I finally do go to sleep, I have to wake up in three or four hours. Sometimes I can't even do that. I set multiple alarms, and early, hoping that I'll be able to drag myself out of bed before I'm late. It doesn't work. Even though I have a music alarm, a buzzer alarm, three or four or more alarms set on my phone, and an alarm on my iPod, I sleep through them. I don't know if I automatically hit snooze and don't realize it, or if I hit snooze and do realize it, but just go right back to sleep, or if I just simply never wake up and let the alarms play.... but I don't get up. Several times recently I have woken up to my flatmate pounding on my door. I don't know what I can do to make myself wake up in the morning....
why cant i sleep?
I don't know what I can do to make myself go to bed, either.
As I said, it's not so much that I can't fall asleep. Sometimes this is the case, but it's not that I lay in bed for hours, staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep. It's more that I am unable to make myself go to bed at a reasonable hour. Even now, I'm writing this at 2:30 in the morning. I could have had the busiest day, and have gotten very little sleep the night before, but I very rarely am so tired that I can't stay up just a little bit more... and more... and more. When it gets late, I'll tell myself I'll go to bed at the end of this video. Then I'll start another. The cycle continues. Or I'll be playing a game and not want to stop, or talking to someone and unable to say good night... although that last one isn't so bad. It's not that I can't fall asleep. It's that I won't go to sleep. I know all it really needs is some self discipline, but I don't exactly have that... and I'm not sure what to do.
why wont i sleep?
Sigh... I'm so tired....
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Doubt
Once again, I find myself confused.
I don't know what to say. I really don't. I've never been very good at expressing emotions, or showing affections. I'm always afraid to say something cute in a comment, or really express how I truly feel. I'm often afraid of knowing how I truly feel. I so often prefer silence...
Yet now I find myself in a situation where I so desperately wish I could express myself, I wish I could look into my heart and read a simple "yes" or "no" instead of this "maybe" bullshit that I've been hiding behind for so long. I'm just afraid of what I might find there...
I want so badly to say yes, that this is truly how I feel. I believe that yes, it is how I feel. I'm just afraid that it might not be, that I'm reading my own heart wrong, and that fear gives me doubts.
and my doubts give you doubts.
I sit here and worry, that you'll decide that my "maybe" isn't worth holding on to until I decide it's a "yes." I'm certain it will never be a "no" though. I sit here, watching the "message read" alert, waiting, hoping, for your reply. I sit here, thinking about you, about us, trying to coax myself out from behind the safety of "maybe." I sit here, writing to you in a way I've never written before, feeling this fear that I might lose you. Hoping I can hold on.
Less than five weeks until we might know for certain, and I can hold you in my arms. But you aren't sure if you should... You wonder if I really care for you the way you care for me. You wonder if this "maybe" is really something to risk all that for. You wonder if maybe it's too soon, that we haven't known each other long enough for it. I wonder it too... But I'd rather take the risk and know, than keep wondering for longer. I'm not sure how much longer I can stand being a "maybe."
I know, I'm not the best at this sort of thing. I know, that I seem selfish and not very affectionate. I know, that my uncertainty, my insecurity, is causing you so much pain... and I know that I hate it...
with all this worry that I'll lose you... and all the hate I have for my own insecurities... and with how much I've come to rely on your attentions...
I've realized something...
I know.
That I Love You.
Of that I have no Doubt.
I don't know what to say. I really don't. I've never been very good at expressing emotions, or showing affections. I'm always afraid to say something cute in a comment, or really express how I truly feel. I'm often afraid of knowing how I truly feel. I so often prefer silence...
Yet now I find myself in a situation where I so desperately wish I could express myself, I wish I could look into my heart and read a simple "yes" or "no" instead of this "maybe" bullshit that I've been hiding behind for so long. I'm just afraid of what I might find there...
I want so badly to say yes, that this is truly how I feel. I believe that yes, it is how I feel. I'm just afraid that it might not be, that I'm reading my own heart wrong, and that fear gives me doubts.
and my doubts give you doubts.
I sit here and worry, that you'll decide that my "maybe" isn't worth holding on to until I decide it's a "yes." I'm certain it will never be a "no" though. I sit here, watching the "message read" alert, waiting, hoping, for your reply. I sit here, thinking about you, about us, trying to coax myself out from behind the safety of "maybe." I sit here, writing to you in a way I've never written before, feeling this fear that I might lose you. Hoping I can hold on.
Less than five weeks until we might know for certain, and I can hold you in my arms. But you aren't sure if you should... You wonder if I really care for you the way you care for me. You wonder if this "maybe" is really something to risk all that for. You wonder if maybe it's too soon, that we haven't known each other long enough for it. I wonder it too... But I'd rather take the risk and know, than keep wondering for longer. I'm not sure how much longer I can stand being a "maybe."
I know, I'm not the best at this sort of thing. I know, that I seem selfish and not very affectionate. I know, that my uncertainty, my insecurity, is causing you so much pain... and I know that I hate it...
with all this worry that I'll lose you... and all the hate I have for my own insecurities... and with how much I've come to rely on your attentions...
I've realized something...
I know.
That I Love You.
Of that I have no Doubt.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Maybe
I'm not really sure how I feel.
I don't know exactly what I feel about you. I've never been too sure about my own feelings, and things between us are still so new, so complicated. I don't trust myself at all, so I don't want to believe something one way or another until I know for certain. I mentioned as much, and I don't think it was what you wanted to hear... The maybe still stands.
But... I saw him posting love songs, dedicating it to a special someone. There was the nuzzles picture, and then changing your names....
I started to panic.
It makes me uncomfortable, seeing his affection. It makes me jealous. I have no real claim over you, but every little thing pulls at something in my heart. I know he loves you, and you loved him, but you ended things with him because of me. I know those feelings still remain, but I'm scared.
I don't know how I feel about you yet, but you've told me how you feel about me. I'm afraid that might be changing.... And maybe I'm just selfish, maybe I'm just jealous, but I don't want it to. I'm sorry I'm not the most mushy, I'm sorry I'm not the most romantic or comforting or able to find corny 90's love songs to send you. I'm just me, and that's not really saying much. I'm sorry I can't be better. I don't know what else I can do, but I don't want to lose you.
I'm sorry for all of this... I feel like a horrible friend, inadequate, not worthy of your affections. All I do is get jealous. I still can only confidently say "maybe," but why would such little things scare me so much if I am only a "maybe"? Maybe it's more than that. Maybe I'm just too scared to see it. Maybe I'm just too scared to admit it. Maybe I should start thinking of that possibility... Maybe I should just open myself up to it.
Maybe I do really love you......
Maybe I'm just a selfish, jealous, asshole.
I don't know exactly what I feel about you. I've never been too sure about my own feelings, and things between us are still so new, so complicated. I don't trust myself at all, so I don't want to believe something one way or another until I know for certain. I mentioned as much, and I don't think it was what you wanted to hear... The maybe still stands.
But... I saw him posting love songs, dedicating it to a special someone. There was the nuzzles picture, and then changing your names....
I started to panic.
It makes me uncomfortable, seeing his affection. It makes me jealous. I have no real claim over you, but every little thing pulls at something in my heart. I know he loves you, and you loved him, but you ended things with him because of me. I know those feelings still remain, but I'm scared.
I don't know how I feel about you yet, but you've told me how you feel about me. I'm afraid that might be changing.... And maybe I'm just selfish, maybe I'm just jealous, but I don't want it to. I'm sorry I'm not the most mushy, I'm sorry I'm not the most romantic or comforting or able to find corny 90's love songs to send you. I'm just me, and that's not really saying much. I'm sorry I can't be better. I don't know what else I can do, but I don't want to lose you.
I'm sorry for all of this... I feel like a horrible friend, inadequate, not worthy of your affections. All I do is get jealous. I still can only confidently say "maybe," but why would such little things scare me so much if I am only a "maybe"? Maybe it's more than that. Maybe I'm just too scared to see it. Maybe I'm just too scared to admit it. Maybe I should start thinking of that possibility... Maybe I should just open myself up to it.
Maybe I do really love you......
Maybe I'm just a selfish, jealous, asshole.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
The Word of the Day
is "Fear"
Last night was one of the worst nights I've had in a long time.
Yes, I went to bed really late, when I knew I had to be up early in the morning, but that's really nothing new for me. It's just, when I went to bed, I felt cold, but I didn't throw on any extra blankets. I just buried myself further into the ones I had. As the night progressed... it's difficult to put into words, if I can even remember what I was feeling. I don't know if I couldn't sleep, or if I woke up, or if I was dreaming, but I remember feeling fear... I think. Maybe pain. Maybe frustration. I just remember clutching my pillow and it felt like it was burning hot. I thought maybe I had an electric blanket on too high, but I didn't have it on the bed even. I don't know what was happening, but I remember being afraid that my pillow would burn my skin, yet I didn't get up. When my alarm started going off, four hours after I went to bed, I ignored it or hit snooze. Again, as is normal, except the song that was playing worked its way into my head, and the message was not the most pleasant one... I finally got up, fifteen minutes late for class, burning, sweaty, cold, with a splitting headache,
and afraid.
Do you know how it hurts when a fairytale burns?
Love is a refugee
Ain't that absurd?
You know how it feels
When starlight and dreams slowly fade to grey
This is my independence day
Love is a refugee
Ain't that absurd?
You know how it feels
When starlight and dreams slowly fade to grey
This is my independence day
Last night was one of the worst nights I've had in a long time.
Yes, I went to bed really late, when I knew I had to be up early in the morning, but that's really nothing new for me. It's just, when I went to bed, I felt cold, but I didn't throw on any extra blankets. I just buried myself further into the ones I had. As the night progressed... it's difficult to put into words, if I can even remember what I was feeling. I don't know if I couldn't sleep, or if I woke up, or if I was dreaming, but I remember feeling fear... I think. Maybe pain. Maybe frustration. I just remember clutching my pillow and it felt like it was burning hot. I thought maybe I had an electric blanket on too high, but I didn't have it on the bed even. I don't know what was happening, but I remember being afraid that my pillow would burn my skin, yet I didn't get up. When my alarm started going off, four hours after I went to bed, I ignored it or hit snooze. Again, as is normal, except the song that was playing worked its way into my head, and the message was not the most pleasant one... I finally got up, fifteen minutes late for class, burning, sweaty, cold, with a splitting headache,
and afraid.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Decisions
Being new to blogging, I was sure what website or medium to use. I
did a bit of research, and found the best two free blogging sites that
fit what I wanted were Wordpress and Blogger.
I'm not sure what to do with Wordpress now though...
Not knowing anything really about either of them, I decided to try both and see which I liked. I created an account on each, spacetape.wordpress.com and spacetape.blogspot.com.
I alternated which one I wrote posts in, and then copied the post to
the other site. Doing this, I hoped to find which one I liked better,
then stick with that one.
Each site
has pros and cons to it, things I like better over the other site. I
kind of like the format and layout of the Wordpress blog better, and I
like the appearance of the blog more. Blogger is a bit easier to use and
has the mobile app with it, which is convenient. Wordpress has a mobile
app as well, but it wouldn't work on my iPod. All in all, they are
pretty similar.
In
the end, I have decided to go with Blogger, largely because of the
mobile app. I don't really think I'd ever take advantage of a lot of the
customizability of Wordpress, as I don't know HTML coding or whatever
might be needed. Another thing that is influencing me is that at the
time of posting, my Wordpress blog has 8 views while my Blogger has 185
views... I don't know how or why, or where they are all coming from, but
it's clear Blogger is a bit better for getting your blog seen.
Heh,
another thing that Blogger has over Wordpress that I noticed, though it
might just be the settings I have, is some of the formatting in the
posts don't work as they might. For example:
I just hit "enter" ten times. On Wordpress, there's just one line break, but on Blogger there's a huge gap.
Anyway,
if you're reading this on Wordpress right now, it is probably one of
the top two posts. You can find the continuation of my blog at spacetape.blogspot.com. I will see you there.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Silly Bus
Today was the first day of the new semester. Sure, it's just the syllabus day, so not much important happened, but it's still daunting to see just how many classes I have. I'm taking 17 credits, which is only one less than the absolute maximum, so I will be super busy, and with my difficulties with prioritizing and time management, it will certainly be a challenge. Not only that, but there is so much extra stuff that I'm hoping to do this semester as well.
I think I'm up to it.
After today, I am feeling super motivated and optimistic. My classes seem interesting, my teachers seem nice, and maybe it's just my medication, but I feel really good about the upcoming semester, and I think I could do really well.
We will see how long that lasts... I always start the semester optimistic.
In addition to a full load of classwork, I hope to start and run a new student org, be more active in the groups I'm already a member of, and set a regular schedule for streaming. As always, school is supposed to come first... but I really hope to meet these goals.
I don't want to think about the other things I have to do, like career fair and apartment hunting...
and I'm still stuck in this little tiny closet of a bedroom. Also on my to-do list: clean.
Well, let's see how it goes. 17 credit hours, homework and group meetings, pep band, D&D, HvZ, Pony Brigade, other D&D, work, streaming, sleep, food, personal time.
How many hours are in a day again?
I think I'm up to it.
After today, I am feeling super motivated and optimistic. My classes seem interesting, my teachers seem nice, and maybe it's just my medication, but I feel really good about the upcoming semester, and I think I could do really well.
We will see how long that lasts... I always start the semester optimistic.
In addition to a full load of classwork, I hope to start and run a new student org, be more active in the groups I'm already a member of, and set a regular schedule for streaming. As always, school is supposed to come first... but I really hope to meet these goals.
I don't want to think about the other things I have to do, like career fair and apartment hunting...
and I'm still stuck in this little tiny closet of a bedroom. Also on my to-do list: clean.
Well, let's see how it goes. 17 credit hours, homework and group meetings, pep band, D&D, HvZ, Pony Brigade, other D&D, work, streaming, sleep, food, personal time.
How many hours are in a day again?
Friday, January 10, 2014
Trees
I went to go say final goodbyes to my pets today.
They've been gone for a while, but they will stay here when we leave. I've never been very emotional with the pets, I was mostly fine when they passed, but I felt this was something I had to do.
In front of three pine trees, I knelt in the snow.
One tree represents a chessie, passed at twelve. He was strong, calm, and willful. It's been four years, but we sometimes still hear him walking around the house, groaning as he sits down.
One tree represents a cat, passed at twenty. Older than me, this cat has been with me literally my entire entire life, until two years ago. Generally accepted as a crotchety old bitch, my cat was the typical egotistical old cat. She didn't play, she didn't like being held, and even the dogs were scared of her. But she liked me. Many nights she would hop up into my bed with me. The mornings that she was still there were special, because she cared. Either that or she was too lazy to get up.
The third tree is another chessie, also passed at twelve, but only a few months ago. She was ditzy, dumb, but oh so full of love and energy. She loved to swim, and would never leave the water of we allowed it. Even after a litter of eight and as age and illness took their hold, she never lost enthusiasm or joy. She was the four legged essence of happy.
In front of three pine trees, I knelt in the snow.
Saying final goodbyes.
I went over and talked to the big oak as well. Just said a few words to the tree.
It's not weird.
Monday, January 6, 2014
A Trio of Poems...
You started out as just another new person. You were cute though, and sweet, much as your name suggests. Everyone seemed to like you, and I was no exception. But I didn't think much of it.
I found out you had a thing with him, that he had claimed you, made you his. I didn't know how much, I thought he was just talk. It wasn't. I got a little jealous. I always get a little jealous.
I got a little crush. I got a little flirty. I don't know exactly when it turned from being kind, always wanting to talk to you to being something more, but it became something more.
It became long private messages that left us sweaty.
It became long calls that made us breathless.
It became mistakes and regrets, misplaced trust and hurt feelings.
I'm sorry for that...
Even so, I stayed with you, even though you stayed with him.
I saved your life.
I saved your soul.
But in return, I broke your heart.
Then I think I made it whole.
I'm not bragging for what I did for you, I'm not exaggerating, or trying to paint myself in a good light. I care about you, and I would do anything for you.
I will catch you if you fall.
But first, I will help you to never lose your balance.
Yet here I am, pushing you over again, until you fall.... Head over heels.... For me.
It was never my intention to make you love me. It was never my intention to make you feel so guilty. It was never my intention to drive this spike between you and him....
It was never my intention to fall for you too....
Yet here I am, eagerly awaiting your replies. Here I am, getting jealous when you talk to him, who you have every right to talk to. Here I am, hoping so much that you'll step off a plane and into my bed, so I can hold you in my arms and keep you safe...
But I shouldn't. That plane is headed to him. I was just the sexual distraction because I have no self restraint. I didn't want to hurt him, but when you smiled at me, I forgot...
Then you let me into your life, and I saw who you really are....
And you are beautiful.
You let me in, and you've done so much for me, more than I expected you to, more than you should have. You trusted me to take a huge step, you were comforted by my hand when you were terrified....
You let me in.
You let me change your life...
And I was able to make you happy. When all seemed bleak, when you were so deeply blue, I made you smile.
And you made me glow.
It scares me. I never thought, never expected I could have so much of an impact on someone, yet I did.
It scares me, that I might not be worth it. That I might not be the hero you think I am.
You've told me you wish that plane was coming towards me instead of him. I wish it too... I would love to be with you...
And if I was, I wouldn't worry about you. I wouldn't worry about me.
I would worry about him. He is my friend too, and I don't want to hurt him... I'm scared that he has given too much of himself over, and I know you are too.
But you're not happy. I want you to be happy.
I just don't know what to do...
But I sure as hell am going to try anyway.
But I sure as hell am going to try anyway.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Mush
Mush.
Mush mush mush mush. Mush, mush mush mush mush mush. Mush mush mush mush mush mush mush mush mush mush.
Mush mush mush mush mush, mush mush mush mush mush mush. Mush? mush mush.
Mush mush mush mush. Mush mush. Mush. Mush. Mush. Mush mush Mush.
Mush mush mush mush, mush mush. Mush mush mush mush, mush mush mush mushh mush.
Mush mush mush.
mush
<3
Mush mush mush mush. Mush, mush mush mush mush mush. Mush mush mush mush mush mush mush mush mush mush.
Mush mush mush mush mush, mush mush mush mush mush mush. Mush? mush mush.
Mush mush mush mush. Mush mush. Mush. Mush. Mush. Mush mush Mush.
Mush mush mush mush, mush mush. Mush mush mush mush, mush mush mush mushh mush.
Mush mush mush.
mush
<3
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Any Place I Hang My Hat
So I had a party last night.
This is nothing unusual for me, I generally have a couple parties a year. My parents house has an amazing party space, with a huge TV and a bar that my dad built. Every year for probably the last six years, I've held a gathering of friends for my birthday and for New Year's Eve. This year was slightly different...
My dad got a new job in another state, so my parents will be moving sometime in the next few months. I head back up to school next week, and once I leave, I'll never be coming back to this house again. This was the last party I will ever have here at this house... It's kind of a scary thought..
Overall, it went pretty well. My parties are all basically the same, and are always pretty fun. This one wasn't much different, despite my desire to make it something more. I really can't complain though.
I don't really know what I'm saying. I'm talking about my last party here, but I can't help but feel like it's completely irrelevant. Why would you care if I had a party, or how it went? You don't. But I'm caught up on talking about it. I know it's not really important, but I feel as if some aspect of it is, which is why I feel the need to talk about it...
I'm moving.
Well, not me specifically, and not right away. I'll still be living at college. But this house that I'm in now has been my home for 14 years, more than half of my life... and when I leave next week, I won't be able to call it home anymore... This won't be the place that I return to on breaks, that I can hold parties in. I was just starting to reach the point where home felt less like Home than up at school... and suddenly it can't be anymore...
as I'm typing this, it is really hitting me for the first time what is happening. This is the place I grew up in. This is the place that I knew that if all else failed, if I needed to, I could come home to. This was my permanent address, this is where my pets are buried. This is where my friends are, the place that tied me to them... And we're leaving it. I know I will always call this town, this house, my home, but soon it won't be the place I hang my hat. Even though it's just "my parents' house," it still was my home...
It's not even me that moving, anyway. It's my parents. I've even reached the point in my life where I should be getting my own place, wherever I get a job. I might even move farther than them, to follow a career. It's just the place I come home to on the holidays that's changing..... but still.
I know it's just another chapter of my life, and still an early one at that. I know it's a new beginning, and a great opportunity for my dad. I know you can't expect to stay in one place forever. I was going to say in here how it bothers me how indifferent I was about it. I had no strong feelings one way or another about moving. The sadness of leaving this home seemed balanced at the excitement of having a new one, and I didn't seem to care one way or another. I never seem to care one way or another. I was going to say in here how I thought it should bother me, but it didn't. How I hate how I never seem to care about things...
But as I typed, I realized.
I'm terrified.
This is nothing unusual for me, I generally have a couple parties a year. My parents house has an amazing party space, with a huge TV and a bar that my dad built. Every year for probably the last six years, I've held a gathering of friends for my birthday and for New Year's Eve. This year was slightly different...
My dad got a new job in another state, so my parents will be moving sometime in the next few months. I head back up to school next week, and once I leave, I'll never be coming back to this house again. This was the last party I will ever have here at this house... It's kind of a scary thought..
Overall, it went pretty well. My parties are all basically the same, and are always pretty fun. This one wasn't much different, despite my desire to make it something more. I really can't complain though.
I don't really know what I'm saying. I'm talking about my last party here, but I can't help but feel like it's completely irrelevant. Why would you care if I had a party, or how it went? You don't. But I'm caught up on talking about it. I know it's not really important, but I feel as if some aspect of it is, which is why I feel the need to talk about it...
I'm moving.
Well, not me specifically, and not right away. I'll still be living at college. But this house that I'm in now has been my home for 14 years, more than half of my life... and when I leave next week, I won't be able to call it home anymore... This won't be the place that I return to on breaks, that I can hold parties in. I was just starting to reach the point where home felt less like Home than up at school... and suddenly it can't be anymore...
as I'm typing this, it is really hitting me for the first time what is happening. This is the place I grew up in. This is the place that I knew that if all else failed, if I needed to, I could come home to. This was my permanent address, this is where my pets are buried. This is where my friends are, the place that tied me to them... And we're leaving it. I know I will always call this town, this house, my home, but soon it won't be the place I hang my hat. Even though it's just "my parents' house," it still was my home...
It's not even me that moving, anyway. It's my parents. I've even reached the point in my life where I should be getting my own place, wherever I get a job. I might even move farther than them, to follow a career. It's just the place I come home to on the holidays that's changing..... but still.
I know it's just another chapter of my life, and still an early one at that. I know it's a new beginning, and a great opportunity for my dad. I know you can't expect to stay in one place forever. I was going to say in here how it bothers me how indifferent I was about it. I had no strong feelings one way or another about moving. The sadness of leaving this home seemed balanced at the excitement of having a new one, and I didn't seem to care one way or another. I never seem to care one way or another. I was going to say in here how I thought it should bother me, but it didn't. How I hate how I never seem to care about things...
But as I typed, I realized.
I'm terrified.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Catching Up
So I realize that you don't know who I am. Starting this blog now, after more than 22 years of life, you've missed a few things. You don't know what I've done, or what my interests and hobbies are. You don't know about my loves and losses, my friends, my enemies. You don't know the experiences that I've gone through. You don't know about my hopes and dreams, or my regrets. I have lived an entire life, one that you know nothing about. I have a lot of backstory to go over...
Actually, no. I'm not going to tell you.
I'm going to write this blog under the assumption that you already know all about me. Explaining my history would take too long and would be too tedious, and I would undoubtedly miss many important things. So I will write this as things happen, not worrying about the past at all. If something is relevant to a post, I'll explain it then so you'd know what I'm talking about. If you have a particular question, ask me and I'll be happy to answer. Trying to get everyone caught up to me, to my 22 years, wouldn't help much anyway. I will try to make sure you're never lost or confused though.
So there you are. You don't know me, but I've decided that you do. I don't need to tell you anything about me, because as I post, you will get to know me. Besides, this blog isn't about who I was, it's about who I am and who I will be.
My history is irrelevant.
It's my future that I'm sharing.
So there you are. You don't know me, but I've decided that you do. I don't need to tell you anything about me, because as I post, you will get to know me. Besides, this blog isn't about who I was, it's about who I am and who I will be.
My history is irrelevant.
It's my future that I'm sharing.
So Here I Am
It’s the first day of a new year, and I’m going to try to share it with you.
I’ve never had a diary, or a journal, or any sort of personal blog that’s lasted more than a few weeks. Hell, I can’t even stay on my twitter. But I want to start something new, something no less personal, but a little more public.
This blog will be all of my thoughts, my feelings. Anything and everything I want to tell someone but have nobody to tell. Anything that comes to mind, be it amusing, depressing, irrelevant or deep. This will be my place for rants, for philosophy, for ramblings, for secrets, for pouring out the confusing contents of my mind.
I’m new to this sort of thing, so you’ll be able to watch as I learn how to run a blog, how to show myself to an unknown number of people I don’t know. There will be times I post a lot, times that I don’t post for months. I tend to ramble, or I wont. I’ll be cryptic, speaking in codes or metaphors, because I am afraid to speak clearly or I just think it’s fun. Sometimes I will be very blatant. Sometimes I’ll yell, sometimes I’ll whisper. Sometimes I might not even say anything… I’m new to this, I really don’t know what the hell I’m going to do here.
Whatever happens though, welcome to my mind.
I really don’t know what you’ll find there.
I’ve never had a diary, or a journal, or any sort of personal blog that’s lasted more than a few weeks. Hell, I can’t even stay on my twitter. But I want to start something new, something no less personal, but a little more public.
This blog will be all of my thoughts, my feelings. Anything and everything I want to tell someone but have nobody to tell. Anything that comes to mind, be it amusing, depressing, irrelevant or deep. This will be my place for rants, for philosophy, for ramblings, for secrets, for pouring out the confusing contents of my mind.
I’m new to this sort of thing, so you’ll be able to watch as I learn how to run a blog, how to show myself to an unknown number of people I don’t know. There will be times I post a lot, times that I don’t post for months. I tend to ramble, or I wont. I’ll be cryptic, speaking in codes or metaphors, because I am afraid to speak clearly or I just think it’s fun. Sometimes I will be very blatant. Sometimes I’ll yell, sometimes I’ll whisper. Sometimes I might not even say anything… I’m new to this, I really don’t know what the hell I’m going to do here.
Whatever happens though, welcome to my mind.
I really don’t know what you’ll find there.
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