Doubt

Once again, I find myself confused.

I don't know what to say. I really don't. I've never been very good at expressing emotions, or showing affections. I'm always afraid to say something cute in a comment, or really express how I truly feel. I'm often afraid of knowing how I truly feel. I so often prefer silence...

Yet now I find myself in a situation where I so desperately wish I could express myself, I wish I could look into my heart and read a simple "yes" or "no" instead of this "maybe" bullshit that I've been hiding behind for so long. I'm just afraid of what I might find there...

I want so badly to say yes, that this is truly how I feel. I believe that yes, it is how I feel. I'm just afraid that it might not be, that I'm reading my own heart wrong, and that fear gives me doubts.

and my doubts give you doubts.

I sit here and worry, that you'll decide that my "maybe" isn't worth holding on to until I decide it's a "yes." I'm certain it will never be a "no" though. I sit here, watching the "message read" alert, waiting, hoping, for your reply. I sit here, thinking about you, about us, trying to coax myself out from behind the safety of "maybe." I sit here, writing to you in a way I've never written before, feeling this fear that I might lose you. Hoping I can hold on.

Less than five weeks until we might know for certain, and I can hold you in my arms. But you aren't sure if you should... You wonder if I really care for you the way you care for me. You wonder if this "maybe" is really something to risk all that for. You wonder if maybe it's too soon, that we haven't known each other long enough for it. I wonder it too... But I'd rather take the risk and know, than keep wondering for longer. I'm not sure how much longer I can stand being a "maybe."

I know, I'm not the best at this sort of thing. I know, that I seem selfish and not very affectionate. I know, that my uncertainty, my insecurity, is causing you so much pain... and I know that I hate it...

with all this worry that I'll lose you... and all the hate I have for my own insecurities... and with how much I've come to rely on your attentions...

I've realized something...

I know.



That I Love You.



Of that I have no Doubt.