Recap

 Okay, it's time for a recap episode.

It's been four years since my last post, which was also a recap episode... I really haven't been keeping up with this blog. Oh well. Not like anybody reads this.

There's a lot to go over since last time, so I'm just gonna rush through. No formatting, short sentences, in the approximate order they occurred. Can't remember all of it exactly.

I bought a car, my first time doing so. Got more or less out of my depression. Mom was still sick. I started flying and racing drones. I got a new job, left my part time one, and moved out of my parents house and back to Michigan. Full time engineering job, my own apartment, etc. Mom died. I stopped flying drones. I started getting in to VR. I started having extreme anxiety at work. They fired me, exactly a year since I started. I fell into another depression. Unemployed and depressed for six months, until I maxed out my credit cards on rent and ran out of money. Played the shit out of a couple games for months, then just stopped. Finally got my shit together, got a new job. Got really into VR, then stopped playing, then got into it again. Committed to moving closer to work, then they fired me, six months after I started. Out of work, and out of my apartment. Crashed on a friend's couch for three months, during which time I found another job. Moved into a new place of my own. Work going reasonably well.

2020 happened.

Got back into VR in a big way, dancing in a virtual club. Started struggling at work, similar to before, but managed to not fall apart like last time. Got a little better, got a little worse. Then got a lot worse. Still holding together at work, but having no motivation at all at home. Bad ADHD and executive dysfunction. Lost interest in VR. Gained an interest in ant keeping, found a few queens to start my own colonies. Started getting more depressed. Friends noticed and took some extreme measures to make me take care of myself... Finally made appointments to get professional help. Slowly getting active in the VR club again, but not quite back the way I was before. Started some depression meds, though I'm not sure if they're what I need. 

And... I think that's it, at least all I can think of to include without going into more detail. Still started putting a bit too much detail in the end there... but I don't care enough to go back and rewrite it.

A few things of major significance... But most of it is pretty normal or inconsequential. Don't really know how I feel about it, or how I'm doing now, or anything like that. But at least I know one thing, and this phrase has become a bit of a mantra for me...

I am here.

Hello again.

 I just remembered I have this blog. Haven't touched it in years. I'm surprised to even see this website is still running, and my page is still here. I'm even more surprised that Google logged me in automatically. Didn't realize I had this password saved. Guess the internet never really forgets.

A lot has happened in the last... Four years? But at the same time, nothing has changed. Maybe I'll bring you up to speed. We'll see if I keep this up. I'd like to, but never seem to have the motivation.

I was always fond of the term Spacetape. A reference to struts in KSP, and a word that just rolls off the tongue. An appropriate metaphor for a blog that talks a lot about depression and anxiety. Seems I only wrote on here when I was depressed...

And here I am again.

I forgot to tell you.

What am I even doing here?

I know it's been a really long time since I've made a post here, though I have made several drafts. They've just never made it out. Over a year since my last published post, and nearly a year before that. Oh, the things that have happened that I forgot to tell you.

I forgot to tell you that I got a girlfriend, an adorable little thing on the other side of the country. I even made it out to visit her.

I forgot to tell you that I finished school... kinda. One damn class I can't seem to finish.

I forgot to tell you that I got hired at an engineering company, full time, and I moved into my own apartment. First time really being on my own. A grown-up.

I forgot to tell you that they fired me exactly one month later.

I forgot to tell you that I sank back into depression, deeper than I had ever been before.

I forgot to tell you my girlfriend came to visit me. I bought their plane ticket the day before I got fired.

I forgot to tell you my girlfriend broke up with me immediately after their visit.

I forgot to tell you I ran out of money in three months, and had to move back in with my parents.

I forgot to tell you my sister had a baby.

I forgot to tell you I got a new job, at least part time.

I forgot to tell you my mom has stage four cancer.

I forgot to tell you that I finally, actually, graduated.

I forgot to tell you that a drunk driver ran a red light in front of me and I hit them, completely destroying my car.

I forgot to tell you a lot of things. I don't know if I was too busy, or if I just forgot. Maybe I was too depressed to put in the effort to publish something. Maybe I was too happy to think I needed to vent. Whatever the reason, I kinda fell off the radar.

And I want back on.

3:05 am

I don't have any sugar or honey for my tea.

I feel like my life is falling apart. Not that I really had it together in the first place, but now whatever I had is crumbling.

Nearly two months ago, I moved into my own apartment, started a class, and started a full time engineering job.

After a month and a day, I was fired.

I'm failing the course, which means I might not get my degree.

If I can't work, I can't afford my apartment.

And I don't have any sugar or honey for my god damn tea.

blank

I'm not really sure what to say here.


I had things that I wanted to say, stuff I wanted to talk about, but as I sit down to write this post... I've forgotten.

Where are my analogies, my slightly poetic phrasing, my repetition and alliteration and rhyme?

Where are the updates in my life, significant events, fun trips, friends and relationships?




I know they're there... just slightly out of reach right now.

I'll be back once I can get my thoughts in order...


....I do know that there was good news around here somewhere....

Hypnophobia

I'm noticing it's becoming more than me just being unable to go to sleep... I'm actually afraid to go to sleep.

I'm afraid to go to sleep, because I fear that I won't be able to wake up when I need to in the morning.

and it's a legitimate fear, like terror, not just a worry or a concern.

Part of it might just be that I'm staying up too late. Part of that might be because my room is such a mess that I have to clear a bunch of stuff off of my bed before I can go to sleep, so I delay because I don't want to do that. Then, I stay up later and later until I find that I'd have to wake up in a couple hours anyway, so there's no point in going to bed at all. Because if I do go to sleep, like I so desperately want to, I won't be able to wake back up in time for class.

And I don't mean that like, oh, I'll be 15 minutes late for a class, or I'll miss my first class, maybe two. No, I mean that if I don't wake up, I'm likely to not get out of bed until late afternoon or evening, missing all classes and everything I planned to do that day, only to be awake the next night because it still feels like morning.

Tonight (it's 5 am as I'm writing this) is the first time I've felt this genuine fear about going to sleep... I have an 8 am class, and I'm terrified to go to sleep, even though I'm so incredibly tired, because I know that if I do, I'll miss that class, possibly the next one, and possibly wont wake up until it's dark again... That's what I've done the past two weekends, and a few week days. I'm sick of it. I just want to sleep like a normal person. I'm terrified to go to sleep now, beyond just not wanting to, beyond finding it difficult. I'm scared. I don't know why this is happening, and I don't know how I can fix it...

It's possible that there's some medical reasoning, like that delayed sleep schedule or whatever it was called, and I should go see a doctor or even a councilor about it, but I'm fairly certain I know what they'll say. Make sure you keep to a regular sleep schedule. Go to bed at the same time every night, and wake up at the same time every morning. Shift it earlier by 15 minutes each day and stay there until you're used to it. Take melatonin to help you fall asleep. I should go see them, but as I've said before, I have little trouble falling asleep once I go to bed. It's the part where I actually get into bed is the problem. The solution is simple: self-discipline. Which is something I simply don't have. Of course it doesn't help that I'm online a lot and stuff happens late into the night, or that my sweetheart doesn't get home until three in the morning when I can talk to her... I know I need to make myself go to bed earlier, but I just don't see how that is possible...

and so, as I stay up later and later, I find myself afraid to enter sleep, because I'm more afraid I won't be able to leave...

and as terrifying as that is, I almost find myself longing for it...

Where are you?

I don't know how you feel anymore...

You used to be so confident in your feelings. You said that you would wait as long as you had to, that I was worth the wait.  I'm sorry that I wasn't more confident in mine.

But now the wait is over.... and you're not here.

You said you were happy with just a maybe, that it was enough to give you hope. Then the maybe wasn't quite enough... When the maybe changed to a yes, you were happy. Then the yes wasn't enough... Even the definite yes I'm feeling now, I still can't find you. You aren't here waiting for me.

Even though every waking moment I'm thinking about you, I don't know where your thoughts lie.  I know I'm not the best at showing it, and maybe that's why, that you can't see how I feel.  I send you what mush I can, I try to cheer you up if you're sad, I live to make you smile. I'm sorry if I'm failing...  I'm sorry I'm not some storybook hero.

I'm sorry about my doubts.  I don't like the idea of online relationships, but that doesn't change my feelings, I can't stop liking you the way I do just because you aren't right here.  All we seem to have is longing though...

I'm sorry that I get jealous, I get touchy if you don't talk to me all the time. I know I don't control you, but when you talk to him and not me, I get hurt... I want to talk to you. I don't talk to you nearly enough. To hear your voice, to see your smile and hear your laugh, to make you blush... I wish it could happen more often. I wish it never had to stop.

I have a letter to you in the mail.  I wish it would get to you faster, yet at the same time I'm terrified.  It contains my feelings from when I wrote it, over a week ago.  I hope it can properly convey how I'm feeling, more than I can tell you directly. I'm terrified that it won't. I'm scared that it may say what you needed to hear over a week ago, when I wrote it, but not now. I'm afraid that now it will say the wrong thing, or in the wrong way, and you won't take from it what I hope you will...

I used to have doubt of myself... I doubted my feelings, but you didn't doubt yours at all. It seems like that's now reversed. I don't doubt the way I feel, no maybes, no fears, no doubt... but you doubt yourself... you drift away, and when I say yes, when the wait is over... you're not here.

Where are you?



I hope I haven't lost you....




maybe... maybe I need to talk to him...