Maybe

I'm not really sure how I feel.

I don't know exactly what I feel about you.  I've never been too sure about my own feelings, and things between us are still so new, so complicated.  I don't trust myself at all, so I don't want to believe something one way or another until I know for certain.  I mentioned as much, and I don't think it was what you wanted to hear... The maybe still stands.

But... I saw him posting love songs, dedicating it to a special someone.  There was the nuzzles picture, and then changing your names....

I started to panic.

It makes me uncomfortable, seeing his affection. It makes me jealous.  I have no real claim over you, but every little thing pulls at something in my heart.  I know he loves you, and you loved him, but you ended things with him because of me. I know those feelings still remain, but I'm scared.

I don't know how I feel about you yet, but you've told me how you feel about me. I'm afraid that might be changing.... And maybe I'm just selfish, maybe I'm just jealous, but I don't want it to.  I'm sorry I'm not the most mushy, I'm sorry I'm not the most romantic or comforting or able to find corny 90's love songs to send you.  I'm just me, and that's not really saying much. I'm sorry I can't be better.  I don't know what else I can do, but I don't want to lose you.

I'm sorry for all of this... I feel like a horrible friend, inadequate, not worthy of your affections.  All I do is get jealous. I still can only confidently say "maybe," but why would such little things scare me so much if I am only a "maybe"?  Maybe it's more than that.  Maybe I'm just too scared to see it.  Maybe I'm just too scared to admit it.  Maybe I should start thinking of that possibility... Maybe I should just open myself up to it.

Maybe I do really love you......








Maybe I'm just a selfish, jealous, asshole.

The Word of the Day

is "Fear"

Do you know how it hurts when a fairytale burns?
Love is a refugee
Ain't that absurd?
You know how it feels
When starlight and dreams slowly fade to grey
This is my independence day

Last night was one of the worst nights I've had in a long time.
Yes, I went to bed really late, when I knew I had to be up early in the morning, but that's really nothing new for me.  It's just, when I went to bed, I felt cold, but I didn't throw on any extra blankets.  I just buried myself further into the ones I had.  As the night progressed... it's difficult to put into words, if I can even remember what I was feeling.  I don't know if I couldn't sleep, or if I woke up, or if I was dreaming, but I remember feeling fear... I think. Maybe pain. Maybe frustration.  I just remember clutching my pillow and it felt like it was burning hot. I thought maybe I had an electric blanket on too high, but I didn't have it on the bed even.  I don't know what was happening, but I remember being afraid that my pillow would burn my skin, yet I didn't get up.  When my alarm started going off, four hours after I went to bed, I ignored it or hit snooze. Again, as is normal, except the song that was playing worked its way into my head, and the message was not the most pleasant one...  I finally got up, fifteen minutes late for class, burning, sweaty, cold, with a splitting headache,

and afraid.

Decisions

Being new to blogging, I was sure what website or medium to use. I did a bit of research, and found the best two free blogging sites that fit what I wanted were Wordpress and Blogger.

Not knowing anything really about either of them, I decided to try both and see which I liked. I created an account on each, spacetape.wordpress.com and spacetape.blogspot.com. I alternated which one I wrote posts in, and then copied the post to the other site. Doing this, I hoped to find which one I liked better, then stick with that one.

Each site has pros and cons to it, things I like better over the other site. I kind of like the format and layout of the Wordpress blog better, and I like the appearance of the blog more. Blogger is a bit easier to use and has the mobile app with it, which is convenient. Wordpress has a mobile app as well, but it wouldn't work on my iPod. All in all, they are pretty similar.

In the end, I have decided to go with Blogger, largely because of the mobile app. I don't really think I'd ever take advantage of a lot of the customizability of Wordpress, as I don't know HTML coding or whatever might be needed. Another thing that is influencing me is that at the time of posting, my Wordpress blog has 8 views while my Blogger has 185 views... I don't know how or why, or where they are all coming from, but it's clear Blogger is a bit better for getting your blog seen.

Heh, another thing that Blogger has over Wordpress that I noticed, though it might just be the settings I have, is some of the formatting in the posts don't work as they might. For example:

I just hit "enter" ten times. On Wordpress, there's just one line break, but on Blogger there's a huge gap.

Anyway, if you're reading this on Wordpress right now, it is probably one of the top two posts. You can find the continuation of my blog at spacetape.blogspot.com. I will see you there.

I'm not sure what to do with Wordpress now though...

Silly Bus

Today was the first day of the new semester. Sure, it's just the syllabus day, so not much important happened, but it's still daunting to see just how many classes I have. I'm taking 17 credits, which is only one less than the absolute maximum, so I will be super busy, and with my difficulties with prioritizing and time management, it will certainly be a challenge. Not only that, but there is so much extra stuff that I'm hoping to do this semester as well.

I think I'm up to it.

After today, I am feeling super motivated and optimistic. My classes seem interesting, my teachers seem nice, and maybe it's just my medication, but I feel really good about the upcoming semester, and I think I could do really well.

We will see how long that lasts... I always start the semester optimistic.

In addition to a full load of classwork, I hope to start and run a new student org, be more active in the groups I'm already a member of, and set a regular schedule for streaming. As always, school is supposed to come first... but I really hope to meet these goals.

I don't want to think about the other things I have to do, like career fair and apartment hunting...

and I'm still stuck in this little tiny closet of a bedroom. Also on my to-do list: clean.


Well, let's see how it goes. 17 credit hours, homework and group meetings, pep band, D&D, HvZ, Pony Brigade, other D&D, work, streaming, sleep, food, personal time.

How many hours are in a day again?

Trees

I went to go say final goodbyes to my pets today. 

They've been gone for a while, but they will stay here when we leave. I've never been very emotional with the pets, I was mostly fine when they passed, but I felt this was something I had to do. 

In front of three pine trees, I knelt in the snow. 

One tree represents a chessie, passed at twelve. He was strong, calm, and willful. It's been four years, but we sometimes still hear him walking around the house, groaning as he sits down. 

One tree represents a cat, passed at twenty. Older than me, this cat has been with me literally my entire entire life, until two years ago. Generally accepted as a crotchety old bitch, my cat was the typical egotistical old cat. She didn't play, she didn't like being held, and even the dogs were scared of her. But she liked me. Many nights she would hop up into my bed with me. The mornings that she was still there were special, because she cared. Either that or she was too lazy to get up. 

The third tree is another chessie, also passed at twelve, but only a few months ago. She was ditzy, dumb, but oh so full of love and energy. She loved to swim, and would never leave the water of we allowed it. Even after a litter of eight and as age and illness took their hold, she never lost enthusiasm or joy. She was the four legged essence of happy. 

In front of three pine trees, I knelt in the snow. 

Saying final goodbyes. 

I went over and talked to the big oak as well. Just said a few words to the tree. 

It's not weird. 

A Trio of Poems...

You started out as just another new person. You were cute though, and sweet, much as your name suggests. Everyone seemed to like you, and I was no exception. But I didn't think much of it.

I found out you had a thing with him, that he had claimed you, made you his. I didn't know how much, I thought he was just talk. It wasn't. I got a little jealous. I always get a little jealous. 

I got a little crush. I got a little flirty. I don't know exactly when it turned from being kind, always wanting to talk to you to being something more, but it became something more. 

It became long private messages that left us sweaty. 

It became long calls that made us breathless. 

It became mistakes and regrets, misplaced trust and hurt feelings. 

I'm sorry for that...

Even so, I stayed with you, even though you stayed with him. 

I saved your life. 

I saved your soul. 

But in return, I broke your heart. 

Then I think I made it whole. 

I'm not bragging for what I did for you, I'm not exaggerating, or trying to paint myself in a good light. I care about you, and I would do anything for you. 

I will catch you if you fall. 

But first, I will help you to never lose your balance. 

Yet here I am, pushing you over again, until you fall.... Head over heels.... For me. 

It was never my intention to make you love me. It was never my intention to make you feel so guilty. It was never my intention to drive this spike between you and him....

It was never my intention to fall for you too....

Yet here I am, eagerly awaiting your replies. Here I am, getting jealous when you talk to him, who you have every right to talk to. Here I am, hoping so much that you'll step off a plane and into my bed, so I can hold you in my arms and keep you safe...

But I shouldn't. That plane is headed to him. I was just the sexual distraction because I have no self restraint. I didn't want to hurt him, but when you smiled at me, I forgot...

Then you let me into your life, and I saw who you really are....

And you are beautiful.

You let me in, and you've done so much for me, more than I expected you to, more than you should have. You trusted me to take a huge step, you were comforted by my hand when you were terrified....

You let me in. 

You let me change your life...

And I was able to make you happy. When all seemed bleak, when you were so deeply blue, I made you smile. 

And you made me glow. 

It scares me. I never thought, never expected I could have so much of an impact on someone, yet I did. 

It scares me, that I might not be worth it. That I might not be the hero you think I am. 

You've told me you wish that plane was coming towards me instead of him. I wish it too... I would love to be with you... 

And if I was, I wouldn't worry about you. I wouldn't worry about me. 

I would worry about him. He is my friend too, and I don't want to hurt him... I'm scared that he has given too much of himself over, and I know you are too. 

But you're not happy. I want you to be happy.

I just don't know what to do...



But I sure as hell am going to try anyway.

Mush

Mush.

Mush mush mush mush. Mush, mush mush mush mush mush. Mush mush mush mush mush mush mush mush mush mush.

Mush mush mush mush mush, mush mush mush mush mush mush. Mush? mush mush.

Mush mush mush mush. Mush mush. Mush. Mush. Mush. Mush mush Mush.

Mush mush mush mush, mush mush. Mush mush mush mush, mush mush mush mushh mush.

Mush mush mush.



mush
<3