I forgot to tell you.

What am I even doing here?

I know it's been a really long time since I've made a post here, though I have made several drafts. They've just never made it out. Over a year since my last published post, and nearly a year before that. Oh, the things that have happened that I forgot to tell you.

I forgot to tell you that I got a girlfriend, an adorable little thing on the other side of the country. I even made it out to visit her.

I forgot to tell you that I finished school... kinda. One damn class I can't seem to finish.

I forgot to tell you that I got hired at an engineering company, full time, and I moved into my own apartment. First time really being on my own. A grown-up.

I forgot to tell you that they fired me exactly one month later.

I forgot to tell you that I sank back into depression, deeper than I had ever been before.

I forgot to tell you my girlfriend came to visit me. I bought their plane ticket the day before I got fired.

I forgot to tell you my girlfriend broke up with me immediately after their visit.

I forgot to tell you I ran out of money in three months, and had to move back in with my parents.

I forgot to tell you my sister had a baby.

I forgot to tell you I got a new job, at least part time.

I forgot to tell you my mom has stage four cancer.

I forgot to tell you that I finally, actually, graduated.

I forgot to tell you that a drunk driver ran a red light in front of me and I hit them, completely destroying my car.

I forgot to tell you a lot of things. I don't know if I was too busy, or if I just forgot. Maybe I was too depressed to put in the effort to publish something. Maybe I was too happy to think I needed to vent. Whatever the reason, I kinda fell off the radar.

And I want back on.

3:05 am

I don't have any sugar or honey for my tea.

I feel like my life is falling apart. Not that I really had it together in the first place, but now whatever I had is crumbling.

Nearly two months ago, I moved into my own apartment, started a class, and started a full time engineering job.

After a month and a day, I was fired.

I'm failing the course, which means I might not get my degree.

If I can't work, I can't afford my apartment.

And I don't have any sugar or honey for my god damn tea.

blank

I'm not really sure what to say here.


I had things that I wanted to say, stuff I wanted to talk about, but as I sit down to write this post... I've forgotten.

Where are my analogies, my slightly poetic phrasing, my repetition and alliteration and rhyme?

Where are the updates in my life, significant events, fun trips, friends and relationships?




I know they're there... just slightly out of reach right now.

I'll be back once I can get my thoughts in order...


....I do know that there was good news around here somewhere....

Hypnophobia

I'm noticing it's becoming more than me just being unable to go to sleep... I'm actually afraid to go to sleep.

I'm afraid to go to sleep, because I fear that I won't be able to wake up when I need to in the morning.

and it's a legitimate fear, like terror, not just a worry or a concern.

Part of it might just be that I'm staying up too late. Part of that might be because my room is such a mess that I have to clear a bunch of stuff off of my bed before I can go to sleep, so I delay because I don't want to do that. Then, I stay up later and later until I find that I'd have to wake up in a couple hours anyway, so there's no point in going to bed at all. Because if I do go to sleep, like I so desperately want to, I won't be able to wake back up in time for class.

And I don't mean that like, oh, I'll be 15 minutes late for a class, or I'll miss my first class, maybe two. No, I mean that if I don't wake up, I'm likely to not get out of bed until late afternoon or evening, missing all classes and everything I planned to do that day, only to be awake the next night because it still feels like morning.

Tonight (it's 5 am as I'm writing this) is the first time I've felt this genuine fear about going to sleep... I have an 8 am class, and I'm terrified to go to sleep, even though I'm so incredibly tired, because I know that if I do, I'll miss that class, possibly the next one, and possibly wont wake up until it's dark again... That's what I've done the past two weekends, and a few week days. I'm sick of it. I just want to sleep like a normal person. I'm terrified to go to sleep now, beyond just not wanting to, beyond finding it difficult. I'm scared. I don't know why this is happening, and I don't know how I can fix it...

It's possible that there's some medical reasoning, like that delayed sleep schedule or whatever it was called, and I should go see a doctor or even a councilor about it, but I'm fairly certain I know what they'll say. Make sure you keep to a regular sleep schedule. Go to bed at the same time every night, and wake up at the same time every morning. Shift it earlier by 15 minutes each day and stay there until you're used to it. Take melatonin to help you fall asleep. I should go see them, but as I've said before, I have little trouble falling asleep once I go to bed. It's the part where I actually get into bed is the problem. The solution is simple: self-discipline. Which is something I simply don't have. Of course it doesn't help that I'm online a lot and stuff happens late into the night, or that my sweetheart doesn't get home until three in the morning when I can talk to her... I know I need to make myself go to bed earlier, but I just don't see how that is possible...

and so, as I stay up later and later, I find myself afraid to enter sleep, because I'm more afraid I won't be able to leave...

and as terrifying as that is, I almost find myself longing for it...

Where are you?

I don't know how you feel anymore...

You used to be so confident in your feelings. You said that you would wait as long as you had to, that I was worth the wait.  I'm sorry that I wasn't more confident in mine.

But now the wait is over.... and you're not here.

You said you were happy with just a maybe, that it was enough to give you hope. Then the maybe wasn't quite enough... When the maybe changed to a yes, you were happy. Then the yes wasn't enough... Even the definite yes I'm feeling now, I still can't find you. You aren't here waiting for me.

Even though every waking moment I'm thinking about you, I don't know where your thoughts lie.  I know I'm not the best at showing it, and maybe that's why, that you can't see how I feel.  I send you what mush I can, I try to cheer you up if you're sad, I live to make you smile. I'm sorry if I'm failing...  I'm sorry I'm not some storybook hero.

I'm sorry about my doubts.  I don't like the idea of online relationships, but that doesn't change my feelings, I can't stop liking you the way I do just because you aren't right here.  All we seem to have is longing though...

I'm sorry that I get jealous, I get touchy if you don't talk to me all the time. I know I don't control you, but when you talk to him and not me, I get hurt... I want to talk to you. I don't talk to you nearly enough. To hear your voice, to see your smile and hear your laugh, to make you blush... I wish it could happen more often. I wish it never had to stop.

I have a letter to you in the mail.  I wish it would get to you faster, yet at the same time I'm terrified.  It contains my feelings from when I wrote it, over a week ago.  I hope it can properly convey how I'm feeling, more than I can tell you directly. I'm terrified that it won't. I'm scared that it may say what you needed to hear over a week ago, when I wrote it, but not now. I'm afraid that now it will say the wrong thing, or in the wrong way, and you won't take from it what I hope you will...

I used to have doubt of myself... I doubted my feelings, but you didn't doubt yours at all. It seems like that's now reversed. I don't doubt the way I feel, no maybes, no fears, no doubt... but you doubt yourself... you drift away, and when I say yes, when the wait is over... you're not here.

Where are you?



I hope I haven't lost you....




maybe... maybe I need to talk to him...

Sleep

I am having trouble sleeping.

I guess more specifically, I am having trouble sleeping properly. 

The past few days have really messed with my sleep schedule. This has happened before, but it still is worth noting. I stay up much later than I should, usually until 2 or 3 am, but recently until 5, or 7, or even 9 am. Then I sleep in, missing everything I was supposed to do that day. This isn't so bad on weekends, but when it starts hurting classes it becomes a serious problem.

so tired...

I don't know if it's a medical thing, a chemical imbalance in my brain or whatever, or if it's just bad habits that I have. I stay up later and later, browsing the internet or chatting with people or playing games or watching videos, knowing I should be going to bed, but it's always "just one more..." Then when I finally do go to sleep, I have to wake up in three or four hours. Sometimes I can't even do that. I set multiple alarms, and early, hoping that I'll be able to drag myself out of bed before I'm late. It doesn't work. Even though I have a music alarm, a buzzer alarm, three or four or more alarms set on my phone, and an alarm on my iPod, I sleep through them. I don't know if I automatically hit snooze and don't realize it, or if I hit snooze and do realize it, but just go right back to sleep, or if I just simply never wake up and let the alarms play.... but I don't get up.  Several times recently I have woken up to my flatmate pounding on my door. I don't know what I can do to make myself wake up in the morning....

why cant i sleep?

I don't know what I can do to make myself go to bed, either.
 As I said, it's not so much that I can't fall asleep. Sometimes this is the case, but it's not that I lay in bed for hours, staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep. It's more that I am unable to make myself go to bed at a reasonable hour. Even now, I'm writing this at 2:30 in the morning. I could have had the busiest day, and have gotten very little sleep the night before, but I very rarely am so tired that I can't stay up just a little bit more... and more... and more. When it gets late, I'll tell myself I'll go to bed at the end of this video. Then I'll start another. The cycle continues. Or I'll be playing a game and not want to stop, or talking to someone and unable to say good night... although that last one isn't so bad. It's not that I can't fall asleep. It's that I won't go to sleep. I know all it really needs is some self discipline, but I don't exactly have that... and I'm not sure what to do.

why wont i sleep?

Sigh... I'm so tired....

Doubt

Once again, I find myself confused.

I don't know what to say. I really don't. I've never been very good at expressing emotions, or showing affections. I'm always afraid to say something cute in a comment, or really express how I truly feel. I'm often afraid of knowing how I truly feel. I so often prefer silence...

Yet now I find myself in a situation where I so desperately wish I could express myself, I wish I could look into my heart and read a simple "yes" or "no" instead of this "maybe" bullshit that I've been hiding behind for so long. I'm just afraid of what I might find there...

I want so badly to say yes, that this is truly how I feel. I believe that yes, it is how I feel. I'm just afraid that it might not be, that I'm reading my own heart wrong, and that fear gives me doubts.

and my doubts give you doubts.

I sit here and worry, that you'll decide that my "maybe" isn't worth holding on to until I decide it's a "yes." I'm certain it will never be a "no" though. I sit here, watching the "message read" alert, waiting, hoping, for your reply. I sit here, thinking about you, about us, trying to coax myself out from behind the safety of "maybe." I sit here, writing to you in a way I've never written before, feeling this fear that I might lose you. Hoping I can hold on.

Less than five weeks until we might know for certain, and I can hold you in my arms. But you aren't sure if you should... You wonder if I really care for you the way you care for me. You wonder if this "maybe" is really something to risk all that for. You wonder if maybe it's too soon, that we haven't known each other long enough for it. I wonder it too... But I'd rather take the risk and know, than keep wondering for longer. I'm not sure how much longer I can stand being a "maybe."

I know, I'm not the best at this sort of thing. I know, that I seem selfish and not very affectionate. I know, that my uncertainty, my insecurity, is causing you so much pain... and I know that I hate it...

with all this worry that I'll lose you... and all the hate I have for my own insecurities... and with how much I've come to rely on your attentions...

I've realized something...

I know.



That I Love You.



Of that I have no Doubt.